The past year or so has been a new kind of struggle for me. My relationship with my family has been changing. In the sense that I’ve been growing into a more independent individual. I’m more private about my affairs. I don’t solicit opinions for every major life decision. This all probably should have happened long before my 27th year, but some of us are slow learners ok? I’ve actually been making this journey for some time. Little steps here and there, but the ties of influence still remained stronger than they should for an adult child. My decisions were still colored by the opinions of my parents. Essentially if Benjamin Moore made a shade called Parental Approval, my walls would have been covered with it.
Home Again, Home Again Jiggity Jig
I traded unencumbered stars for city lights, cornfields for corner coffee shops, and never looked back, but there’s something to be said about going home again. I spent this past weekend at my childhood home, which lies on a storybook farm site seven miles outside a town straight out of Beautiful Girls where the men drive pick-up trucks with misogynistic bumper stickers and the women start having babies right after high school (if not during).
The Itch
Our attention spans are getting shorter in every regard, including romantically. A study released last month made the observation that the one-time seven year itch has inched it’s way closer to three years. Granted this study came as an effort to promote Hall Pass, so it should be taken with a grain of salt (as any study should), but it’s still disconcerting. The article speaks more to the staling that naturally occurs rather than directly about the cheating that has become a symptom of the itch. This I understand. Relationships will ultimately become familiar and it will take a concerted effort to (for lack of a less cheesy phrase) maintain the spark. But I feel like it’s at this point where that real love stuff everyone is always babbling about comes in.
Super Fun Times With Married People
After a conversation with a coworker, I came to the realization that I’m a bit of a snobby single. Many of my conversations with him have revolved around how doing things with married people was a terrible way to spend my time. I may have implied that I’d rather be impaled by unicorns, Triton’s spear and a myriad of other sharp mythical objects than socialize with the married people. I don’t really feel this way, but it entirely depends on the dynamics of the group and, more importantly, the ratio of singles to espoused. When I’m mingling within a group peppered with those flying solo and those happily entrenched in a duet, I have a splendid time and don’t think twice about the distinguishing line that becomes so pronounced when it’s me and a room full of couples.
Dangerous Dependence
White Whales and Missed Opportunities
I would guess that everyone has one or two people in their lives who have potential to be the ideal mate but for one reason or another the romantic paths never converged long enough for anything to truly develop, leaving the individuals with pangs of what ifs and if onlys. As a person who still stupidly believes in “the one” I can allay these regretful thoughts with comforting platitudes about how if it was meant to be it, it would be. Still, I can’t help but wonder if there were risks one or both individuals were willing to take or if they possessed a stronger will to make it happen, it would.
As the Clock Winds Down, Pickings Grow Slim
I had lunch with a friend the other day and she impressed upon me the urgency of “settling down” because we weren’t getting any younger and soon all the good ones were going to be taken. I quipped that I’d get my shot at a good one on the next round after the divorces. In all honesty, I was slightly taken aback and even a little offended by the comment. Does the fact that I’m not married mean that not only have a passed up the opportunity to find a good man, but I, myself, am not included in the good batch because if I were, I would be snapped up already? At 25 I hardly feel that I’m at an age where I’ve been completely passed over in the marriage department.
The Not So Great Divide
I’m not sure if it’s that the fact that my most recent romantic experiments appear to be taking an unfavorable turn or that I’ve witnessed the demise of the relationships of a few close friends or something else entirely but I found myself on the train to bitter town a few days ago. I’ve since recovered but it got me thinking about the divide between singles and couples.
And There He Was?
How is it that some people wake up one day and suddenly realize that they are in love with a person they have known on a friend level for eons and others use the friend zone as a way to politely turn someone away as a romantic possibility? Is it really that these people have come to the realization that they are actually interested in their long-time pal and they suddenly see them in a brand new, romantic light? Was one party in love all along and just eventually wore the object of their affection down. Maybe an ultimatum was finally given: love me or lose me as a friend. Or is it more an act of desperation; nothing better came alone while I kept you at arm’s length so let’s do this.
The Duplicity of Security
For some people, marriage means security. I’ve contemplated this and, in some circumstances, the security blanket that a husband can offer would come in handy. I have colleagues who have been able to quit jobs with nothing on the horizon because they weren’t happy. Losing your job involuntarily is also a lot less terrifying when you aren’t the only bread winner in the house. On the flipside, I’ve seen people let this security lull them into a complacency that sucks the drive right out of them.
I’ve noticed this to be especially true of women who lack a sense of direction. When there is no sense of urgency to cultivate a path of one’s own because the financial necessity is removed from the need for a career path, it is easy to settle for less than one’s full potential. In some cases it isn’t about having no desire for a career, it’s about caring about someone so much that his career goals become more important than your own.
It’s not that all women in committed relationships ignore their professional paths. It’s just that, when in love, even the most motivated of women can quickly fall into the role of the supportive female who sacrifices everything for her husband’s career. As a single person, I have the luxury of focusing all of my time and efforts on advancing my own career. I can move across the country for a promising job without a second thought about uprooting someone else’s life. I can pour my energy into professional groups, current job and networking events without feeling guilty about neglecting someone.