sex

Judgement from Swingers

Judgement from Swingers

I thought for sure after I had gotten married I would be rescued from the judgment of smug married people (SMPs) after all I’m in the club now. I’m an SMP! Huzzah! I can’t wait to be insufferable and offer wisdom-filled gems to the poor singles of the world, like “when you stop looking, you’ll find love” and “you really have to love yourself first,” and “you just have to open yourself up to love,” and “he didn’t deserve you.” Okay that last one is always dripping with truth, so I get a pass when I say that. 

Things Boys Say

Over the years, a number of men/boys/manboys have attempted to entice me into the boudoir using a variety of tactics. This is because I am just so darn irresistible—wait that’s not it—it’s because I was born with two X chromosomes. Most of these pleas are fairly laughable, including bragging about their adult film star physicality (yeah that happened) and explaining how they always wanted to cross someone like me off their bucket list (Oh, are you a Make-A-Wish kid? Let’s do this!). But some are just plain hurtful, like the scare tactic.

Sordid Histories on a Need-To-Know Basis

The dance between revealing too much or too little about your relational history can be a delicate one. As per my recent M.O. (because my own personal experiences have fallen off a cliff into turbulent waters like a spurned lover in a maritime romance novel) I came upon this topic after watching Chasing Amy. It, naturally, led to an argument with a friend about Joey Lauren’s honesty or lack thereof. I thought she had willfully deceived poor, misdirected Ben Affleck (though his solution was abhorrent and a tad insane). My friend thought she had skillfully avoided being dishonest on a technicality.

The Last Virgin Standing

At what point in our adult lives did it become assumed that sex was going to be a part of our relationships? When I dated in high school and early on in college, if a person within the relationship had sex prior to entering the relationship he or she was expected to reveal that at some point. Now it seems that the tables have turned.

Those who know me remotely well know that I have made a decision to not have sex until I get married. It’s not something I broadcast to strangers but it’s not exactly a secret either. Every guy I’ve ever dated up until this point has been aware of it long before we started dating. This is because I usually hang out with the guys I end up dating in non-romantic social situations before I begin dating them.

Now I’ve found myself in a situation where I’ve had to tell someone I started dating that I’m not going to sleep with him. We’ve known each other for a couple months and have hung out a few times. I didn’t know how or when to bring it up because, although it’s not something I’m hiding, it is a personal detail that I don’t blurt out right away. When I did tell him he was upset that I didn’t tell him sooner. Essentially he told me that if he had known sooner he wouldn’t have taken the time to get to know me and now he has to go through the process of getting over me.

To be honest I don’t feel bad about not revealing that part of me before I did. Most people don’t go around broadcasting all the things they do or have done in the past or hope to do in the future. However I do understand that it may be a deal breaker for some people. Not everyone can handle it. It’s unfortunate for me but I’ve come to accept it. I realize that I’ve limited myself by making the choice to not have sex, but as I’ve said before I refuse to settle and in the long run I will be a happier person because of it.

The hardest part of this for me is that I end up feeling like I am doing something wrong to the point that I am undatable. Realistically I know that isn’t the case. I know that it just means I’m not compatible with everyone. This aspect of who I am just seems to make my single life all the more challenging.