Women are idiots. I know this, because, as a woman, I’m an idiot. We take every little look, touch, clothing choice, text, e-mail, Facebook status update, etc. and read everything we can into it. I hear girls give their account of a dating situation, seeking a well-intentioned but completely inaccurate analysis from their friends and they sound like the flighty back up singers of a Betty Everett song.
Relapse
Fair warning, this post is going to be unusually emo and embarrassingly honest. I may even want to beat myself up by the time it’s over, but here we go. Whenever I spend some time with a certain former Mr. Wonderful of mine, I am filled with sappy feelings of self-pity and nostalgia. It’s not nostalgia for the relationship I had with him necessarily, more for a relationship in general.
Emerging from Neverland
I am of the opinion that there is a time in every young boy’s life where he must grow up and stop viewing any woman as a means of biding his time between relationships. I have witnessed many of my friends fall victim to these middling men who will say things just to string them along while they need them only to turn around and retract any statement of interest the second they feel claustrophobic. And it’s not as though these circumstances occur only on one occasion; it’s a pattern they repeat for as long as the hapless victim allows.
This may happen to men as well as women, but I’ve only seen it happen to my female friends so I sought out perspective from a few male friends to gauge if my standards were characteristically high in this situation as they apparently are in others.
According to my reliable sources, it seems this behavior should, in theory, be a childish stage that is left behind after the collegiate years. It should never be acceptable to treat any individual in such a disrespectful manner, but it seems even more unacceptable to do so in the state of adulthood when such actions can no longer be attributed to youthful indiscretion. Admittedly, the victims are partially responsible for these situations. If these immature individuals are allowed to behave like this without consequence they will undoubtedly repeat the actions.
As a woman who has consistently stayed in unhealthy relationships because she is too naïve, stupid or codependent to get out, I’m the last to cast stones at the women who allow themselves to be mistreated. However, as their friend, I struggle with watching them put themselves in the same positions over and over again because this time may be different and maybe Peter Pan has overcome that lingering immaturity to realize he wants a real adult relationship. I want to be excited and hopeful for my friends, but I also want to smack them over the head with the obvious stick and tell them that it’s unlikely this man-child has suddenly decided to grow up and that you are the one he wants. It’s more likely that when he does move beyond this stage, it will be with someone brand new, not the eager girl who has patiently waited in the wings.
It’s an easy trap to get into. Thinking we can change the men we want. Thinking we can be such an amazing partner that we will convince them that we are the one they have been waiting for and if they would just open their infantile eyes they would see the one they want in us. It’s so easy to tell yourself, “If I just wait long enough for him to emerge from this stage, I will be the one he chooses.” Unfortunately, even if you do get your major movie moment when he realizes the faithful lady in waiting is what he has wanted all this time, you will undoubtedly endure a number of emotionally straining circumstances that will take a toll on your emotional wellbeing as you wait for him to come to this grand realization.
Though some of the onus partially lies on the woman, it seems that if these men are unwilling to grow out of this stage where they want to play childish games, they shouldn’t be permitted to drag women into their Neverland with carefully polished manipulation. The worst part of it is that because these guys have been at it so long, they’ve nearly perfected the art. They understand women and what they want to hear as one would expect of a normal adult male, but they still prey on them the way one would expect of an idiot college boy. It’s a dangerous combination and I understand how a woman may fall victim.
Unfortunately, this is the way the dating and the world at large works. Some people are manipulative and immature and it is on us to decipher their tactics and find the sincerity of the right one. So use your natural judgment, more often than not your past experience will lend all the guidance you need. Best of luck ladies (and men if you have ever experienced the same issue).
Check Your Baggage at the Door
I have little patience for people who use emotional baggage to justify treating someone poorly in any type of relationship. Our world has forged crutches and cultivated convenient excuses for individuals to use whenever they choose not to take responsibility for their own actions. My lack of sympathy for these individuals likely causes some dissent, maybe even anger. I simply don’t understand why anything someone endured in the past gives them permission to take it out on someone else, especially someone they “love.” The seriousness of the behavior can range from commitment issues to abuse.
All’s Fair in Love and War: Thievery
In the history of romance it has always been understood when a person is married, engaged or in a relationship he or she is off limits. They belong to someone. For nearly as long as this unwritten rule has reigned, audacious thieves have been challenging it. There are even articles and Wikihows devoted to spelling out tactical approaches for relationship robbers. Despite the constant attack on this unspoken understanding, it has not waivered and the efforts of the thief are generally frowned upon by the whole of society. But is this fair?
Love, Hate and Ikea
Nothing makes me relish my single status more than a trip to the Swedish, mid-range furniture Mecca. I have seldom left Ikea’s premises without witnessing at least one lovers’ spat. Most of which are completely absurd arguments over which trivets would go better with the Värde theme, or if this duvet cover effectively reflects both individual styles.
The Grand Mea Culpa
I recently received a lengthy e-mail from my former fiancé, expressing his earnest apologies for his role in an atrophying relationship that served to chip away at my happiness and ultimately my very identity. I’ve received apologies from him before but, as he stated, they were not entirely sincere, most often peppered with buts and justifications. He was sure to explain that this act of contrition was in no way for his benefit but only for my peace of mind. I have pondered if this is truly the case.
Let the Bickering Begin
Recently a friend of mine, apparently seeking some misguided advice on his relationship, reached out to me. He and his girlfriend had begun arguing on a weekly basis and he wondered if this was normal, posing the question, “does every relationship ultimately get to the point where you argue constantly?” After prefacing my response with this caveat: “I haven’t been in a relationship for years and it’s been even longer since I’ve seen the inside of a functional relationship,” I addressed his concerns.
He Turns My Gray Skies Blue
This past week, I’ve come upon yet another completely obvious, but never-the-less important, requirement for my future Mr. Perfect. He needs to possess the inexplicable ability to transform my day regardless of where I’m at on the emotional spectrum. There are some people in my life who can completely turn my day around with a short conversation sprinkled with a few encouraging words. It’s not necessarily because they have brilliant advice to offer. They may not say anything more than a compassionate stranger would, but the level of trust and respect I have for them elevates their wisdom.
And There He Was?
How is it that some people wake up one day and suddenly realize that they are in love with a person they have known on a friend level for eons and others use the friend zone as a way to politely turn someone away as a romantic possibility? Is it really that these people have come to the realization that they are actually interested in their long-time pal and they suddenly see them in a brand new, romantic light? Was one party in love all along and just eventually wore the object of their affection down. Maybe an ultimatum was finally given: love me or lose me as a friend. Or is it more an act of desperation; nothing better came alone while I kept you at arm’s length so let’s do this.