I don’t go into dating situations expecting much. Maybe it’s because I’m realistic or maybe I’m just jaded. However, I don’t think it’s too much to expect someone to have enough consideration and respect for another human being to give them a courtesy call, e-mail or text when they no longer wish to continue seeing them. I’m not asking for a detailed explanation as to why you want to end things, a simple “hey not really into you anymore” would be fine.
Yes, No, Maybe So
I’ve decided that, in dating, there is no other response more irritating than “maybe” when it comes to making plans. What does maybe mean? You deign to spend time with me if nothing better comes along? Are you playing a game? “Yes” I get. It means, “I would love to hang out with you, thanks for asking.” Although “no” can be a little muggy, is still decipherable. If you legitimately have plans, it just means “no.” If you have no plans, it simply means “I don’t want to see you.” Either way it is much clearer than “maybe.”
The Perfect Formula
Is the real answer to romance nothing more than calculus? Web sites like eHarmony seem to think so. They take one of the most complex human phenomena and reduce it to oversimplified formulas. If A enjoys 3 and B enjoys 7 then A + B = <3.
The thing that shocks me most about this, is that it actually seems to work for some people. I know one individual who met his future wife on eHarmony. He really believes he found his perfect mate. However, I wonder if this case isn’t an exception based on the personalities involved.
He has always been malleable when it comes to relationships. He tends to take on the personality of the girl he is dating. Perhaps eHarmony was the perfect venue for him to become the ideal solution for this girl’s equation. But does it work for the average person?
I can’t necessarily speak with authority on this subject because I’ve never actually attempted to date via one of these sites, but I really can’t imagine that something as intricate and abstruse as romance could be deciphered with a few keystrokes. But far be it from me to repudiate a site reportedly marries off 236 couples every day. So if it works for you, then best wishes to you and your scientifically-matched significant other.
Opposing Teams
Interest Fades
My relationships whether serious or casual seem to go through the same cycle: he finds me amazing, I am pursued heavily, I start to let my guard down and his interest fades, usually inexplicably. I tend to take it very personally even though I never have any solid evidence that my character or personality suddenly pushed him away.
Don't Hate the Pawns, Hate the Player
Why is it that as women we so often view other women as enemies? This is especially true when we fall prey to the manipulative games men play when seducing multiple women at once. I have seen this game played so expertly that the guy will have the women he is sleeping with all together in one place and not only do they not realize that they are all being used by the same man, but they will instantly turn on each other.
Whoa! She is Sooo Hot!
I don’t take issue with people who appreciate the beauty of another human being. I, myself, will tell others when I see an attractive man or woman. What I don’t understand is why men insist on vehemently informing us about how gorgeous they think other women are in a way that doesn’t show an appreciation so much as an indication of a disgusting one-track mind.
Experiencing Technical Difficulties
We’ve all contemplated the shortcomings that come with advancements in technology. In particular, what it has done for communication. While we can reach people at almost any time using a plethora of methods, these methods are not always clear. Recently this has lead to a miscommunication that has compelled me to write a semi-retraction to my previous entry.
While most of the sentiments expressed stand true, the outcome and perceived character of the guy in question has been altered due to recent developments. The conversation in which he expressed his inability to be involved with someone who would not sleep with him took place via text message (which in and of itself is, for lack of a better word, sketchy). During an actual phone conversation, it was revealed that he was willing to see where things would go and that whether or not sex would be involved in the deal was irrelevant.
Now that I’ve cleared that up for my readers, let’s focus on the issue of the miscommunication as a side effect of advanced methods of communication. When important conversations don’t take place organically there is a lot of room for misunderstandings. The clarification that comes with intonation, facial expression, pauses, etc. is completely lost during discourse that takes place over text or IM.
One should take this into consideration when conversing with his or her significant other. Solid relationships are based on solid communication. It’s not exactly a fascinating revelation, but it is an important point nonetheless. I think we forget that good communication is not only about what we say but how we say it and this includes the method in which we choose to communicate.
The Last Virgin Standing
At what point in our adult lives did it become assumed that sex was going to be a part of our relationships? When I dated in high school and early on in college, if a person within the relationship had sex prior to entering the relationship he or she was expected to reveal that at some point. Now it seems that the tables have turned.
Those who know me remotely well know that I have made a decision to not have sex until I get married. It’s not something I broadcast to strangers but it’s not exactly a secret either. Every guy I’ve ever dated up until this point has been aware of it long before we started dating. This is because I usually hang out with the guys I end up dating in non-romantic social situations before I begin dating them.
Now I’ve found myself in a situation where I’ve had to tell someone I started dating that I’m not going to sleep with him. We’ve known each other for a couple months and have hung out a few times. I didn’t know how or when to bring it up because, although it’s not something I’m hiding, it is a personal detail that I don’t blurt out right away. When I did tell him he was upset that I didn’t tell him sooner. Essentially he told me that if he had known sooner he wouldn’t have taken the time to get to know me and now he has to go through the process of getting over me.
To be honest I don’t feel bad about not revealing that part of me before I did. Most people don’t go around broadcasting all the things they do or have done in the past or hope to do in the future. However I do understand that it may be a deal breaker for some people. Not everyone can handle it. It’s unfortunate for me but I’ve come to accept it. I realize that I’ve limited myself by making the choice to not have sex, but as I’ve said before I refuse to settle and in the long run I will be a happier person because of it.
The hardest part of this for me is that I end up feeling like I am doing something wrong to the point that I am undatable. Realistically I know that isn’t the case. I know that it just means I’m not compatible with everyone. This aspect of who I am just seems to make my single life all the more challenging.
Courting in the Age of Social Media
My generation has become obsessed with Facebook, Twitter, MySpace, blogging, etc. It is a fantastic thing to be able to maintain contact with our friends and catch up with old classmates, but perhaps we should consider what it is doing to our romantic relationships. There are an infinite number of angles from which to view this phenomenon but the one that intrigues me most is what it does to the get-to-know you process in the beginning of a relationship.
A person can learn more about a potential partner with a visit to his or her Facebook page than they would discover with a two weeks’ worth of dates. My blog offers a more intimate view of my inner workings than I ever reveal to people I’ve just begun dating.
Does social media hinder or help the dating process? In my view it is detrimental. The discovery period is the best part of a relationship. Social media takes the mystery out of the beginning stages and could also cause premature judgments to be passed. When a person uncovers things about another individual’s past via Facebook, Twitter, etc. it does not give that individual the opportunity to explain the myriad of circumstances that inevitably lead to the decisions they made.
One stalker prowl through my page would reveal information about my past relationships, my chosen career path, who my friends are, what I like to do in my free time and what I believe in. Why even bother talking to me for the first three weeks of what would be a relationship?
So we are once again presented with the ubiquitous dilemma: do we delete our profiles so as to protect our privacy thereby cutting us off from many of the connections we’ve nurtured through social media so as to protect the mystery within our relationships? I suppose one could always reject friendship requests from potential partners, but then this would most definitely be construed as a lack of interest. That, however, is an entirely different discussion. Ultimately there is no way around it, social media has changed the dating landscape and we are just going to have to find a way to cope.