If anything good has come out of the ups and downs of my romantic road, it would be the friendships that have been strengthened during the pitfalls along this path. No matter where I am in my life I have some truly amazing friends who will always be there to pick me up, dust me off and tell me he never deserved me. I have both male and female friends who fulfill this role but for the purposes of this blog my focus is going to be on those of the female persuasion.
Courting in the Age of Social Media
My generation has become obsessed with Facebook, Twitter, MySpace, blogging, etc. It is a fantastic thing to be able to maintain contact with our friends and catch up with old classmates, but perhaps we should consider what it is doing to our romantic relationships. There are an infinite number of angles from which to view this phenomenon but the one that intrigues me most is what it does to the get-to-know you process in the beginning of a relationship.
A person can learn more about a potential partner with a visit to his or her Facebook page than they would discover with a two weeks’ worth of dates. My blog offers a more intimate view of my inner workings than I ever reveal to people I’ve just begun dating.
Does social media hinder or help the dating process? In my view it is detrimental. The discovery period is the best part of a relationship. Social media takes the mystery out of the beginning stages and could also cause premature judgments to be passed. When a person uncovers things about another individual’s past via Facebook, Twitter, etc. it does not give that individual the opportunity to explain the myriad of circumstances that inevitably lead to the decisions they made.
One stalker prowl through my page would reveal information about my past relationships, my chosen career path, who my friends are, what I like to do in my free time and what I believe in. Why even bother talking to me for the first three weeks of what would be a relationship?
So we are once again presented with the ubiquitous dilemma: do we delete our profiles so as to protect our privacy thereby cutting us off from many of the connections we’ve nurtured through social media so as to protect the mystery within our relationships? I suppose one could always reject friendship requests from potential partners, but then this would most definitely be construed as a lack of interest. That, however, is an entirely different discussion. Ultimately there is no way around it, social media has changed the dating landscape and we are just going to have to find a way to cope.
"Mr. Nice Guy"
So many guys complain that girls don’t actually want a nice guy, they want a jerk. There are books, investigative news reports, Web sites and songs devoted to this theory. I don’t deny that there are some girls who are drawn to guys who treat them badly, but I also think that guys claim they were rejected for this reason because they don’t want to take a deeper look at their behavior.
Love Defined
Although love means different things to different people I’ve always thought there were undeniable truths about love and what it meant to be in love. If two people loved each other, they would do anything to make it work, even if it meant making sacrifices. I’ve never been able to understand people who let go of those they “loved” because their lives changed, making a relationship difficult. To me, love always came first. If it was real love, it was worth working for. On the other hand, maybe I’m simply being naïve. Some people truly believe that love means letting go.
Moments of Weakness
I’m usually very happy with my single life. I have a job that allows me to do what I love. I have amazing friends, and I couldn’t ask for a better family. However, there are moments when I miss having a relationship. When things go wrong at work or I have a disagreement with a friend, I wish I had someone to cheer me up or just hold me until things got better. Sometimes life gets stressful and I long for a partner to share my burdens.
I actually feel ashamed of myself when I get in these moods. I know I should be grateful for everything I have, because I am truly blessed. I also don’t want to be the girl who needs a man by her side in order to be happy. During times like these, it helps me to realize I am not the only person in this position. I think, single or not, we all feel alone sometimes. When I’m in these funks, it is often my instinct to dwell and seclude myself from the world. This only serves to make the situation worse.
The best way to cope is to force myself to go out with friends or throw my energy into reaching my goals. This serves to refocus my attention on the positive things in my life rather than what I am lacking romantically. I realize that no matter what I do to ward against loneliness, it will hit me from time to time. I think it is in our nature to want a significant other to be there for us in our weakest moments. It’s how we handle these moments that determines whether the loneliness is going to define us or fuel us to become stronger people.
Boys Will Be Boys
Why do girls perpetuate this ridiculous myth that boys will be boys to justify behavior that is, in fact, unjustifiable? All it does is make us believe that we aren’t worth anything and that we have to settle for boys who behave less than admirably toward us. Claiming that all guys act a certain way or do certain things is just a way for us to soothe the sting of being mistreated.
I am so tired of people going out for their bachelor parties and behaving like complete jerks and acting like it is totally acceptable because it’s a bachelor party. It’s ok for guys to pay strange women to strip and grind up against them because that’s what boys do. It’s ok for guys to make their significant other feel worthless because “honey all guys look at porn” or “baby you know I love you but I’m male so of course I’m going to stare at our waitress’s chest.”
Well maybe it’s true, maybe that’s what boys do. But that is not what men do. I demand more of the men who claim to care about me. Perhaps that limits my dating pool, but I don’t care. I would much rather be alone than lower my standards because the rest of society claims that it is ok for guys to act like Neanderthals. I firmly believe I am worth more than that. It’s not arrogance it’s just that I’m secure in the fact that I deserve to be treated with respect and that this boy behavior is not respect.
So this is my plea. To the women: demand what you deserve. Don’t buy into myths that allow men to disrespect you with their crude behavior. Our complacency in these matters is what allows the behavior to persist and convinces other women that they ask for too much when they demand more. To the men: grow up and realize the worth of the women you love and care for. Understand that to love her means to do everything you can to make her happy even if this means putting her self-worth before your lustful nature.