The Duplicity of Security

For some people, marriage means security. I’ve contemplated this and, in some circumstances, the security blanket that a husband can offer would come in handy. I have colleagues who have been able to quit jobs with nothing on the horizon because they weren’t happy. Losing your job involuntarily is also a lot less terrifying when you aren’t the only bread winner in the house. On the flipside, I’ve seen people let this security lull them into a complacency that sucks the drive right out of them.

I’ve noticed this to be especially true of women who lack a sense of direction. When there is no sense of urgency to cultivate a path of one’s own because the financial necessity is removed from the need for a career path, it is easy to settle for less than one’s full potential. In some cases it isn’t about having no desire for a career, it’s about caring about someone so much that his career goals become more important than your own.

It’s not that all women in committed relationships ignore their professional paths. It’s just that, when in love, even the most motivated of women can quickly fall into the role of the supportive female who sacrifices everything for her husband’s career. As a single person, I have the luxury of focusing all of my time and efforts on advancing my own career. I can move across the country for a promising job without a second thought about uprooting someone else’s life. I can pour my energy into professional groups, current job and networking events without feeling guilty about neglecting someone.

Experiencing Technical Difficulties

We’ve all contemplated the shortcomings that come with advancements in technology. In particular, what it has done for communication. While we can reach people at almost any time using a plethora of methods, these methods are not always clear. Recently this has lead to a miscommunication that has compelled me to write a semi-retraction to my previous entry.

While most of the sentiments expressed stand true, the outcome and perceived character of the guy in question has been altered due to recent developments. The conversation in which he expressed his inability to be involved with someone who would not sleep with him took place via text message (which in and of itself is, for lack of a better word, sketchy). During an actual phone conversation, it was revealed that he was willing to see where things would go and that whether or not sex would be involved in the deal was irrelevant.

Now that I’ve cleared that up for my readers, let’s focus on the issue of the miscommunication as a side effect of advanced methods of communication. When important conversations don’t take place organically there is a lot of room for misunderstandings. The clarification that comes with intonation, facial expression, pauses, etc. is completely lost during discourse that takes place over text or IM.

One should take this into consideration when conversing with his or her significant other. Solid relationships are based on solid communication. It’s not exactly a fascinating revelation, but it is an important point nonetheless. I think we forget that good communication is not only about what we say but how we say it and this includes the method in which we choose to communicate.

The Last Virgin Standing

At what point in our adult lives did it become assumed that sex was going to be a part of our relationships? When I dated in high school and early on in college, if a person within the relationship had sex prior to entering the relationship he or she was expected to reveal that at some point. Now it seems that the tables have turned.

Those who know me remotely well know that I have made a decision to not have sex until I get married. It’s not something I broadcast to strangers but it’s not exactly a secret either. Every guy I’ve ever dated up until this point has been aware of it long before we started dating. This is because I usually hang out with the guys I end up dating in non-romantic social situations before I begin dating them.

Now I’ve found myself in a situation where I’ve had to tell someone I started dating that I’m not going to sleep with him. We’ve known each other for a couple months and have hung out a few times. I didn’t know how or when to bring it up because, although it’s not something I’m hiding, it is a personal detail that I don’t blurt out right away. When I did tell him he was upset that I didn’t tell him sooner. Essentially he told me that if he had known sooner he wouldn’t have taken the time to get to know me and now he has to go through the process of getting over me.

To be honest I don’t feel bad about not revealing that part of me before I did. Most people don’t go around broadcasting all the things they do or have done in the past or hope to do in the future. However I do understand that it may be a deal breaker for some people. Not everyone can handle it. It’s unfortunate for me but I’ve come to accept it. I realize that I’ve limited myself by making the choice to not have sex, but as I’ve said before I refuse to settle and in the long run I will be a happier person because of it.

The hardest part of this for me is that I end up feeling like I am doing something wrong to the point that I am undatable. Realistically I know that isn’t the case. I know that it just means I’m not compatible with everyone. This aspect of who I am just seems to make my single life all the more challenging.