The Duplicity of Security

For some people, marriage means security. I’ve contemplated this and, in some circumstances, the security blanket that a husband can offer would come in handy. I have colleagues who have been able to quit jobs with nothing on the horizon because they weren’t happy. Losing your job involuntarily is also a lot less terrifying when you aren’t the only bread winner in the house. On the flipside, I’ve seen people let this security lull them into a complacency that sucks the drive right out of them.

I’ve noticed this to be especially true of women who lack a sense of direction. When there is no sense of urgency to cultivate a path of one’s own because the financial necessity is removed from the need for a career path, it is easy to settle for less than one’s full potential. In some cases it isn’t about having no desire for a career, it’s about caring about someone so much that his career goals become more important than your own.

It’s not that all women in committed relationships ignore their professional paths. It’s just that, when in love, even the most motivated of women can quickly fall into the role of the supportive female who sacrifices everything for her husband’s career. As a single person, I have the luxury of focusing all of my time and efforts on advancing my own career. I can move across the country for a promising job without a second thought about uprooting someone else’s life. I can pour my energy into professional groups, current job and networking events without feeling guilty about neglecting someone.

Experiencing Technical Difficulties

We’ve all contemplated the shortcomings that come with advancements in technology. In particular, what it has done for communication. While we can reach people at almost any time using a plethora of methods, these methods are not always clear. Recently this has lead to a miscommunication that has compelled me to write a semi-retraction to my previous entry.

While most of the sentiments expressed stand true, the outcome and perceived character of the guy in question has been altered due to recent developments. The conversation in which he expressed his inability to be involved with someone who would not sleep with him took place via text message (which in and of itself is, for lack of a better word, sketchy). During an actual phone conversation, it was revealed that he was willing to see where things would go and that whether or not sex would be involved in the deal was irrelevant.

Now that I’ve cleared that up for my readers, let’s focus on the issue of the miscommunication as a side effect of advanced methods of communication. When important conversations don’t take place organically there is a lot of room for misunderstandings. The clarification that comes with intonation, facial expression, pauses, etc. is completely lost during discourse that takes place over text or IM.

One should take this into consideration when conversing with his or her significant other. Solid relationships are based on solid communication. It’s not exactly a fascinating revelation, but it is an important point nonetheless. I think we forget that good communication is not only about what we say but how we say it and this includes the method in which we choose to communicate.

The Last Virgin Standing

At what point in our adult lives did it become assumed that sex was going to be a part of our relationships? When I dated in high school and early on in college, if a person within the relationship had sex prior to entering the relationship he or she was expected to reveal that at some point. Now it seems that the tables have turned.

Those who know me remotely well know that I have made a decision to not have sex until I get married. It’s not something I broadcast to strangers but it’s not exactly a secret either. Every guy I’ve ever dated up until this point has been aware of it long before we started dating. This is because I usually hang out with the guys I end up dating in non-romantic social situations before I begin dating them.

Now I’ve found myself in a situation where I’ve had to tell someone I started dating that I’m not going to sleep with him. We’ve known each other for a couple months and have hung out a few times. I didn’t know how or when to bring it up because, although it’s not something I’m hiding, it is a personal detail that I don’t blurt out right away. When I did tell him he was upset that I didn’t tell him sooner. Essentially he told me that if he had known sooner he wouldn’t have taken the time to get to know me and now he has to go through the process of getting over me.

To be honest I don’t feel bad about not revealing that part of me before I did. Most people don’t go around broadcasting all the things they do or have done in the past or hope to do in the future. However I do understand that it may be a deal breaker for some people. Not everyone can handle it. It’s unfortunate for me but I’ve come to accept it. I realize that I’ve limited myself by making the choice to not have sex, but as I’ve said before I refuse to settle and in the long run I will be a happier person because of it.

The hardest part of this for me is that I end up feeling like I am doing something wrong to the point that I am undatable. Realistically I know that isn’t the case. I know that it just means I’m not compatible with everyone. This aspect of who I am just seems to make my single life all the more challenging.

Courting in the Age of Social Media

My generation has become obsessed with Facebook, Twitter, MySpace, blogging, etc. It is a fantastic thing to be able to maintain contact with our friends and catch up with old classmates, but perhaps we should consider what it is doing to our romantic relationships. There are an infinite number of angles from which to view this phenomenon but the one that intrigues me most is what it does to the get-to-know you process in the beginning of a relationship.

A person can learn more about a potential partner with a visit to his or her Facebook page than they would discover with a two weeks’ worth of dates. My blog offers a more intimate view of my inner workings than I ever reveal to people I’ve just begun dating.

Does social media hinder or help the dating process? In my view it is detrimental. The discovery period is the best part of a relationship. Social media takes the mystery out of the beginning stages and could also cause premature judgments to be passed. When a person uncovers things about another individual’s past via Facebook, Twitter, etc. it does not give that individual the opportunity to explain the myriad of circumstances that inevitably lead to the decisions they made.

One stalker prowl through my page would reveal information about my past relationships, my chosen career path, who my friends are, what I like to do in my free time and what I believe in. Why even bother talking to me for the first three weeks of what would be a relationship?

So we are once again presented with the ubiquitous dilemma: do we delete our profiles so as to protect our privacy thereby cutting us off from many of the connections we’ve nurtured through social media so as to protect the mystery within our relationships? I suppose one could always reject friendship requests from potential partners, but then this would most definitely be construed as a lack of interest. That, however, is an entirely different discussion. Ultimately there is no way around it, social media has changed the dating landscape and we are just going to have to find a way to cope.

Moments of Weakness

I’m usually very happy with my single life. I have a job that allows me to do what I love. I have amazing friends, and I couldn’t ask for a better family. However, there are moments when I miss having a relationship. When things go wrong at work or I have a disagreement with a friend, I wish I had someone to cheer me up or just hold me until things got better. Sometimes life gets stressful and I long for a partner to share my burdens.

I actually feel ashamed of myself when I get in these moods. I know I should be grateful for everything I have, because I am truly blessed. I also don’t want to be the girl who needs a man by her side in order to be happy. During times like these, it helps me to realize I am not the only person in this position. I think, single or not, we all feel alone sometimes. When I’m in these funks, it is often my instinct to dwell and seclude myself from the world. This only serves to make the situation worse.

The best way to cope is to force myself to go out with friends or throw my energy into reaching my goals. This serves to refocus my attention on the positive things in my life rather than what I am lacking romantically. I realize that no matter what I do to ward against loneliness, it will hit me from time to time. I think it is in our nature to want a significant other to be there for us in our weakest moments. It’s how we handle these moments that determines whether the loneliness is going to define us or fuel us to become stronger people.

Boys Will Be Boys

Why do girls perpetuate this ridiculous myth that boys will be boys to justify behavior that is, in fact, unjustifiable? All it does is make us believe that we aren’t worth anything and that we have to settle for boys who behave less than admirably toward us. Claiming that all guys act a certain way or do certain things is just a way for us to soothe the sting of being mistreated.

I am so tired of people going out for their bachelor parties and behaving like complete jerks and acting like it is totally acceptable because it’s a bachelor party. It’s ok for guys to pay strange women to strip and grind up against them because that’s what boys do. It’s ok for guys to make their significant other feel worthless because “honey all guys look at porn” or “baby you know I love you but I’m male so of course I’m going to stare at our waitress’s chest.”

Well maybe it’s true, maybe that’s what boys do. But that is not what men do. I demand more of the men who claim to care about me. Perhaps that limits my dating pool, but I don’t care. I would much rather be alone than lower my standards because the rest of society claims that it is ok for guys to act like Neanderthals. I firmly believe I am worth more than that. It’s not arrogance it’s just that I’m secure in the fact that I deserve to be treated with respect and that this boy behavior is not respect.

So this is my plea. To the women: demand what you deserve. Don’t buy into myths that allow men to disrespect you with their crude behavior. Our complacency in these matters is what allows the behavior to persist and convinces other women that they ask for too much when they demand more. To the men: grow up and realize the worth of the women you love and care for. Understand that to love her means to do everything you can to make her happy even if this means putting her self-worth before your lustful nature.